A Husband's Guide to Better Loving - Tips from her Gynecologist
By Dr. Janet Williams, MD, Ob/Gyn
Keeping the spark alive in the bedroom can be a challenge if you've been with your partner for many years. Many couples find themselves struggling to connect on a physical level and men can feel a lot of pressure to "perform". When these natural and common shifts occur they may think their partners don't love or want them anymore. Which can lead to relationship strain if unaddressed. Well I'm here with some good news. You don't have to become Magic Mike in order to connect with your partner. In reality if you're a husband who wants to be a better lover for your wife, there are a few simple and perhaps unexpected things you can do to improve her pleasure and ultimately improve your pleasure as well. With a little effort, you can reignite the passion in your marriage and keep your relationship strong for years to come. So keep reading!...
Do a little research
Reading up a little can go a long way towards understanding your partner's anatomy and how her pleasure may change as she matures. For many women physiological changes like perimenopause (the years before menopause) and menopause (1 year after her last menstrual period) can affect body functions, body image and libido. There is emerging research and understanding available to help women and their partners navigate these common changes. We all need to have an understanding of how desire actually works and realize that most of the problems we encounter with sex are common and have solutions. We need to ditch the false notion that these are "women's problems".
There are books, articles, podcasts, websites and so many other resources on women's pleasure so you can truly understand where your partner is coming from. My book "Why Don't I Like Sex Anymore? The Grown Woman's Guide to Getting Your Groove Back and Claiming Your Truth" is actually a great resource not only for women but also their partners. It can help you understand where she might be coming from.
Ask her what she likes then listen to what she has to say.
Everyone changes. Our bodies, our minds or style we evolve and grow with time and that is natural. So when that go to move that made her eyes roll back in the back of her head in the past isn't doing the trick anymore, communication will come to the rescue. Listen to her and ask her questions about what brings her pleasure these days. Despite the general thought that intercourse is the holy grail of intimacy research has taught us this is actually not the case for most women! Have an honest conversation because it may be that she gets more pleasure from oral sex, massage or direct clitoral stimulation. You want to make sure your intimacy is just as fulfilling for both of you. It takes effort but is a crucial component of relationship-building.
Get a better understanding of sexual anatomy and how desire and arousal work for most women.
Men and women alike are rarely given any formal education on sexual anatomy or pleasure. This is something that is still considered taboo in our culture but is ultimately limiting us in an important area of our lives. For example, most people are totally unaware of the anatomy of the clitoris. Most think it is the small bulb of tissue at the top of the external genitals. The truth is that bulb that can be seen is just a tiny the part of the whole clitoris. The clitoris, in fact, consists of a complex network of erectile tissue and nearly 8000 nerves and has parts inside and outside of the body.
Another misunderstood fact is the link between stress and decrease in libido. While many men get stress relief from sex for many women being stress actually puts a damper on sexual desire. Taking the time to learn about your partner's anatomy, arousal and pleasure can help bridge any gaps in understanding.
Help her with her to do list.
One of the biggest libido killers for women is stress and overwhelm. And if your partner is also dealing with the additional physical changes of perimenopause or menopause, she may feel like she just can't catch a break. A great way you can support her is by helping her out with her to-do list. Even just taking on one chore or responsibility that she faces every day can make a huge difference in reducing her stress levels and allowing them to have more bandwidth for intimacy and connection. Remember, what causes her stress may be different than what causes you stress. Find a thing on her list and do it really well. Taking the load off her shoulders also shows her how much you care about supporting her health, both physically and emotionally. Trust me on this one...it will go a long way.
Let her know you want her to have pleasure and close the orgasm gap in your relationship.
One important way to ensure pleasure in any relationship is understanding the concept of the orgasm gap. This refers to the fact that, on average, men orgasm more often and more quickly during sex than women do. If you want your partner to truly enjoy herself, it’s important to take proactive steps in order to close that orgasm gap. Let her know that you are aware of this issue and that you’re excited to work towards a resolution together. Be aware that while most men require only 5-10 minutes to reach orgasm women often require more than 15-20 mins of clitoral stimulation before they can even get close to orgasm. This can be done with a vibrator. Yep...bring one of those puppies right into the bedroom and watch her pleasure expand. And don't worry, a vibrator could never replace you but it can enhance her pleasure which will help to enhance your pleasure and bring you closer together. Spend some time discussing the ways she likes to feel pleasure. What turns her on? What actions excite and enthuse her? That way both of you will see your satisfaction increase exponentially. There's no better message of love than helping her find joy and pleasure.
Show her you love her by matching your words with your actions.
One of the most important things in a relationship is being able to tell each other how much you love each other and back it up with action. Showing your partner that you care by doing thoughtful actions can go a long way. If you say you are going to help with that to-do list..Go ahead and follow through! I know it might sound a little boring but you wouldn't believe the number of times my patients and clients report this is a turn on. Other ideas include leaving encouraging notes, well planned dates and spending quality time together. Whatever you do be sure to express your love and back it up with the things you do.
The Wrap Up
Contrary to popular belief you don't need to be larger, stroke harder or become a stripper with washboard abs to please your partner. According to emerging research and understanding of women's pleasure it's actually pretty simple to keep your special woman very happy. It's time for you both to enjoy your intimate life to the max. To make that happen:
- Do a little research
- Ask what pleases her
- Listen to what pleases her
- Understand clitoral anatomy and arousal
- Help her with her to-do list
- Let her know you want her to have pleasure as well
- Use a vibrator and close the orgasm gap in your relationship
- Show her that you love her with actions
All these steps show that you care deeply about your partner's pleasure and it will undoubtedly create a positive vibe and ultimately bring you more pleasure! Looking for some more tools and tips to uplevel your pleasure?..Click the link for a wide range of items designed specifically to enhance your pleasure experience-->Intimate Play Collection.